Drunk before noon

I was white girl wasted before noon yesterday. I know what you’re thinking, I’m out of control. Yup.

My college roommate is getting married and I’m a bridesmaid. She doesn’t live near me though, so whenever we see each other we go all out. Her bachelorette party was Friday & Saturday in Maryland. Since I don’t drive on the interstate, my husband and his buddies decided to come and play golf nearby where i needed to be. Hello, ride.

Friday night we went to the Yankees game. It was fun, even though I don’t follow baseball. We drank, we laughed, we talked about old times. It was the best. 

Saturday morning at 9:00am we decided to go to a bottomless brunch before departing back to our respective states. Here’s where the trouble started– bottomless mimosas. I simply don’t possess the self control needed to just have one or two. So I had 5 or 6.. maybe 10? I lost count after 5. I was having the best time. 

After brunch, we decided to go to a bar– bad idea #2. We ordered multiple bottles of wine. And I made it my personal goal to drink glasses from each bottle. I simply didn’t want to miss out on everything Maryland had to offer.

By the time my husband and his buddies came to pick me up, I was drunk as hell. I’m laughing, being brutally honest, and telling everyone that will listen that my college roommate is my best fucking friend. 

I ran into a group of elderly people on their way to attend a wedding and I couldn’t stop complimenting their attire. I hope they were flattered by my drunk self. I meant every single word. 

What my drunk self didn’t realize was that the ride home was going to take eternity. I hop in the backseat of my car, fireball whiskey in hand, and turn on my Apple Music. 

Not even an hour into the drive, I realize that I’m going to puke. We pull over on the side of the interstate and I sprint into the woods. Don’t ask why. I’m not sure. But I sprint, fast. I slip into a ditch filled with water and then proceeded to puke. So much puke. The boys chased me into the woods. I tell them to leave me there… on the side of the interstate in Maryland. Real smart, I know. 

Somehow they got my little self back in the car. And somehow, someway we made it home. Only took 6 long, dreadful hours.

I don’t know why my husband stays with my crazy ass. Must be my good looks. 

I’m holding a glass of water, 

Blaire πŸ–€

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How to make jello-shots

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If you don’t know already, I suck at cooking. I think it is because instructions on the side of food items are not specific enough. I need to know all about cooking including how to turn on the oven. Growing up, we simply weren’t in the kitchen learning how to cook. I didn’t have a mommy and daddy that were around enough to teach me the small stuff.

Naturally, when I go to parties, I bring Jell-O shots. First of all, I am good at making them. I know you’re smiling right now because you realize that I’m good at it because I am a low-key alcoholic. But I will be darned, I can make some freaking Jell-O shots. Here’s how:

1) Go to your local liquor store and buy yourself inexpensive vodka. Make sure the vodka is flavored. Vodka that isn’t flavored will cause your jello to taste super nasty, trust me. I typically use Burnett’s. It is inexpensive and comes in every flavor imaginable. You might be thinking that Burnett’s is pretty trashy of me, but have you ever had a terrible night while drinking Burnett’s? Exactly. Burnett’s is never a bad idea, just causes a slight hangover when consumed in large amounts.

2) Go to the grocery store and buy several flavors of Jell-O. Yes, you can get the generic storebrand for under $.50. The Jell-O flavor really doesn’t matter. If you were going to beat yourself up over flavor, focus on the flavor of the vodka not the Jell-O. You will also need to buy small cups to put the finished product in. You can snag a bag of “Diamond Mini Cups Multi-Purpose” from your local Walmart. That’s what I use. (See above picture)

3) Boil 1 cup of water. Stir in one package of Jell-O mix once the water is to a boil. Continue stirring and remove the water from the heat. Make sure that the Jell-O is not sticking to the bottom of the pan. If the Jell-O sticks to the bottom, it will not allow the most flavor– be careful with that. Stir for exactly 2 minutes.

4) Pour in 1 cup of flavored vodka. Continue stirring for another minute or so.

5) Using a large spoon, scoop out the jello liquid and put it into the little containers.

6) Place all containers in the refrigerator overnight.

7) Serve at party and come off super fun and flirty. If you want to get fancy, serve with whip cream on top.

Jello-shots are the extentΒ of my cooking.

Love always,

Blaire 🌷

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