Cat Problemsย 

This morning I shut my catโ€™s tail in the microwave. Naturally, I apologized to her for 20 minutes while giving her treats. Unfortunately, she didnโ€™t have much to say on the situation.

When I arrived home from work today, she snuggled against my leg. Guess that means she forgives me…. or, she wants more treats.

Meow, 

Blaire ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿฑ

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Locked out of my house ๐Ÿ’…๐Ÿผ

Today I got locked out of my own house. Ya see, I got excited because I was going to get a pedicure. Naturally, I ran out of the house and didn’t even think twice about the keys needed to drive the car to the nail place. I realize almost immediately what I had done. I sat for a minute on the porch holding my purse and phone and really pondered my options. I could break a window, but that just seemed dramatic. So I decided to search the outside of the house for our old spare key. During this process my feet got covered with mud. Whatever though, needed to get into the house. 

Failed to get into the house. Sat on the porch. Sat on the porch some more. Called my friend and told her to pick me up. She shows up, we drive around. I call my husband and told him to leave work to let me in the house. He does. 

Long story short, we found the keys. They were in the purse I was holding the entire time. 

Typical Blaire, I know. 

Oh, and when I finally got to the nail place, I put my feet into the water and the water turned brown. Darn mud. 

Whyyyyyyyy. 

Love you. 

โค๏ธ Blaire 

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Costa Rica ๐Ÿ ๐ŸŒด

Guys, 

Next week I leave for an adventure that’s been on my bucket list for awhile! My husband and our two friends are traveling through Costa Rica. I plan to do the following:

1. observe a sloth 

2. dance on a bar while taking tequila shots

3. Watch a surf competition 

4. Pretend I’m fluent in Spanish 

5. Hike to a waterfall 

6. Get close to monkeys 

7. Hug a pig on Isles Tortuga 

8. Swim with a sea turtle 

9. become good friends with a stranger 

10. Take mental pictures of each & every moment

I’m excited. I’m nervous. I can’t freakin’ wait.

Kisses,

Blaire ๐Ÿ 

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Christian Overdoseย 

Just the other day, my brother overdosed and somehow convinced my parents that he has epilepsy.

 I know what you’re thinking– impossible. How? Why? Are you being serious? 

I’m here to tell you that I am. My brother snorted pills for 72 hours straight and it finally caught up with him. Oh, and he somehow lived to tell about it. Way to go, bro!  

My parents went to the grocery store and when they came home they found one of my brother’s friends screaming that my brother had died. 

My parents, being the Bible toting Christians that they are, ran right to his rescue. They called 911 and attempted to get his pulse back. 911 arrived just as my brother started convulsing and foaming at the mouth. Nevertheless, my sweet, innocent, charming brother was able to muster up enough strength to become disorderly with the first responders because he didn’t like them touching his drugs. Ladies and gentlemen, there’s no shame in his game! 

My brother goes into back to back seizures and yet his friend swears that he knew nothing about the drugs he took. The first responders tell my brother’s friend that my brother will die if he continues to withhold the truth, he remained silent. What an awesome friend! 

The first responders were able to pry a baggie of pills from my brother’s hand and use a smart phone app to see what he took. Yay technology! Luckily I’m not a first responder, I don’t know if I’d have been so quick to help people that didn’t want help. Keeping it real, y’all! 

He was then transported to the hospital. Once the doctors were able to bring him back to reality, my brother told my parents that he didn’t take any drugs and this was all a misunderstanding. Although there was concrete evidence to say otherwise, my parents have chosen to believe my brother. They are even taking him for additional testing to confirm an epilepsy diagnosis. What wonderful Christians! I’m looking forward to visiting never.

I’m surrounded by idiots. 

Xoxo,

Blaire ๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’„

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Drunk before noon

I was white girl wasted before noon yesterday. I know what you’re thinking, I’m out of control. Yup.

My college roommate is getting married and I’m a bridesmaid. She doesn’t live near me though, so whenever we see each other we go all out. Her bachelorette party was Friday & Saturday in Maryland. Since I don’t drive on the interstate, my husband and his buddies decided to come and play golf nearby where i needed to be. Hello, ride.

Friday night we went to the Yankees game. It was fun, even though I don’t follow baseball. We drank, we laughed, we talked about old times. It was the best. 

Saturday morning at 9:00am we decided to go to a bottomless brunch before departing back to our respective states. Here’s where the trouble started– bottomless mimosas. I simply don’t possess the self control needed to just have one or two. So I had 5 or 6.. maybe 10? I lost count after 5. I was having the best time. 

After brunch, we decided to go to a bar– bad idea #2. We ordered multiple bottles of wine. And I made it my personal goal to drink glasses from each bottle. I simply didn’t want to miss out on everything Maryland had to offer.

By the time my husband and his buddies came to pick me up, I was drunk as hell. I’m laughing, being brutally honest, and telling everyone that will listen that my college roommate is my best fucking friend. 

I ran into a group of elderly people on their way to attend a wedding and I couldn’t stop complimenting their attire. I hope they were flattered by my drunk self. I meant every single word. 

What my drunk self didn’t realize was that the ride home was going to take eternity. I hop in the backseat of my car, fireball whiskey in hand, and turn on my Apple Music. 

Not even an hour into the drive, I realize that I’m going to puke. We pull over on the side of the interstate and I sprint into the woods. Don’t ask why. I’m not sure. But I sprint, fast. I slip into a ditch filled with water and then proceeded to puke. So much puke. The boys chased me into the woods. I tell them to leave me there… on the side of the interstate in Maryland. Real smart, I know. 

Somehow they got my little self back in the car. And somehow, someway we made it home. Only took 6 long, dreadful hours.

I don’t know why my husband stays with my crazy ass. Must be my good looks. 

I’m holding a glass of water, 

Blaire ๐Ÿ–ค

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Grandma died while I watched.ย 

I watched my grandma suffocate to death. There I said it. That wasn’t so bad, was it? 

Grandma was having trouble breathing one afternoon and was taken to the hospital by my mom and aunt. A few days later, we were told she wouldn’t live much longer. 

The doctor came in to evaluate grandma. He said she’d be fine for another couple of days. He advised my family members to go home and rest. He said that I could sit with grandma in the meantime. 

They left. I sat with my mom. Grandma suffocated. She was DNR. There was nothing we could do. It felt like a bad episode of Grey’s Anatomy. 

Well, guess grandma won’t be judging my lifestyle anymore. 

That was rude, I know. 

Blaire ๐Ÿ’‹

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baby shower disaster

My good friend Sabrina and I went to a baby shower yesterday. It was one of those baby showers that are straight from Pinterest. Every last detail was handcrafted and adorable. I contemplated taking pictures to post on Pinterest several times. It was that cute. And just know, nothing that involves a baby is typically cute to me. The very thought of a baby makes me cringe.

Sabrina and I went over to the onesie decorating station. Yes, that’s a thing. The station was a small, square table covered in about 50 white onesies. We sat down across from each other and we both begin decorating with the provided paints and fabric markers. Sabrina reached to grab the teal paint and accidentally knocked over her entire glass of red punch. In doing so, she was able to single-handedly ruin the onesie station.

We apologized and made a quick exit. We plan to tie-dye the red blotchy onesies and bring them back to the mom-to-be. No harm no foul. They will be cuter this way anyway.

Honestly, I’m just glad it wasn’t me.

Blaire ๐Ÿฆ‹๐Ÿ’™

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